Wow so last minute I decided to completely change my entire common app essay topic and so I basically have to get it done today as well as all of my creative writing assignments, my AP art history reading and questions, and jane eyre reading so I’m kind of????freaking out right now because I wanted to have my common app done by today and now I’ve decided to change my essay completely so I’m legit concerned as hell and I don’t even think this essay is going to be very good at all. We’ll see.

End of my week from hell. Yay. The problem is that I might have a B in AP English Lit, as well as AP Stats, for the quarter :) so yeah obviously I don’t do well under pressure :) but I did end with like a 100.3 in AP art history so that’s good.
My posts lately have been basic to the max, but I’m having really great conversations with Dustin lately and of course Catherine and I usually talk every day. Right now Dante and most of my piano department friends are in New York, and of course I’m jealous of them and wish I could be in New York right now but they aren’t really doing much besides going to performances slash going to Chinatown I think, mostly pretty touristy stuff so I’m not feelin too jealous but I do wish I were at least there in New York with them because they are my friends. Jackie and I however are going to LA in March with the orchestra god willing, which will of course be a uniquely amazing experience in itself and I can’t wait for it, though I feel like I am missing out on my own friends in the piano department by not going on this trip. But it’s all good, whatever, I’m indifferent now. Anyway. This weekend I’m going to finish up my essays, try to finalize everything, do some homework, go to the ballet to see Romeo and Juliet (prokofiev version) and it’ll be great I think. I hope. Yesterday I cried on public transportation

I finished my Tulane app so that’s :) I hope I get in.

Now I just have to: 

do my creative writing assignment tonight 

do my AP gov FRQ

tomorrow when I get home from class at 10:00 PM I must: 

study for AP Gov test

do Jane Eyre dialectical journal 

on Tuesday I have to:

skip AP stats since I will have approximately 0 time to study for the quiz the night before

finish reading Jane Eyre

study for AP art history cumulative test

study for AP stats that night

wednesday I:

will take the AP stats quiz during lunch

will take AP art history test

:) love life

Lol people need to lower their expectations for me because literally all I do is exist in an emotional vacuum and I have such little regard for how to act properly in reality and honestly all I want to do is talk to Dustin or get drunk but since I can’t do either of those things I’m going to lie in my bed and exist in the reality of music and pretend to be in Rome or the jungle or whatever like I’m literally a particle of dust 

kind of discovered the fact that I am legit heartbroken, tortured, confused about everything ever etc. (like I discovered this through music actually) and that the only thing that can help me, really, is myself and my faith and whatnot. so yeah. progress 

this is probably the worst time in my life to come to this conclusion because I have so much weighing on my shoulders right now. so much I have to do, so much of my future I have to focus on and it mostly 100% entails myself and only myself, but I have accepted the fact long, long, long ago that I would never tell Nick that I was in love with him or whatever but recently I just had a horrible breakdown and I literally cried harder than I’ve ever cried before to the point where I couldn’t breathe and all that came out of my throat were these awful moans of pain because I understood the nature of my love, and it wasn’t an active, pursuit of love that brought me to this conclusion, but the simple reminder that I probably won’t get to see Nick or talk to him a lot for the rest of my life or anything and also that he isn’t doing really well right now in college and he isn’t really super happy? and just the mere fact of that really fucks me up inside because honestly the only thing I give a shit about in this world, regarding Nick, is his happiness. Like I would give up every single conversation we ever had, I would give up the duet we played together, I would give up him even knowing that I exist for him to just be happy and satisfied and get what he wants in life because I think that’s what love is, I don’t know. But I’m beginning to meet some new people, possibly having some simultaneous feelings of romance and whatever and I realize that Nick has to kind of remain a memory within me, if I want to get anywhere with anyone else, on ANY level. I don’t burden him with my conversation or my existence, and even though I cherish little things like the duet we played together, the trailers we made together for the piano department last year, all of the songs he sends me for me to listen to, all of the little jokes we exchange, I keep it all. and it’s frightening how good of a memory I seem to develop when I remember almost every single meaningful conversation we’ve ever had, word for word. I remember little things about him, the way he used to awkwardly open up to me because he didn’t really understand how to maneuver his emotions, etc. and it all stays with me. Playing piano with him solidified everything for me, and I cherish that piece of music because it was so perfect. He’ll never know and I never want him to know but I love him. And I feel like I can still develop love for other people, romantic feelings and relationships for other people, but I’ll always still have that love for him, from afar. Like cherishing something beautiful, I saw his existence as a gift. In fact, I see my other friends as gifts to me as well. Catherine, Dante, mostly. But now that I won’t see Nick for a while, and probably won’t be able to converse with him other than over text, to which he seems to be enthusiastic about, which is surprising since he had never seemed to like talking to me until now. Anyway. That’s all 

You see, everything that you’re feeling, I’ve felt too. I may act like I don’t understand, but the truth is I understand it perfectly. I think I understand all of it, all too well because I’ve felt everything. I understand. I don’t want to say it, but I comprehend and understand all of what you’re telling me.