random stupid thoughts on romance idk

I guess something I realized lately is that someone is going to objectify you either sexually OR intellectually and either way is bad and in my opinion and in my mental state I can’t deal with someone intellectually objectifying me and that’s honestly probably why romance has never worked for me and why I have no interest in being romantic with anyone in the long run, at least for now. I’ve definitely had very quick and fleeting fantasies of sharing a life with someone and cuddling, kissing, being physically involved with another person while also being emotionally involved, but unfortunately for me those moments are so fleeting and I almost always go back to the mantra of not letting romance, other people, etc. distract me from the vision of what I want to accomplish within myself, that I will probably never fully understand the complexities within myself regarding romantic relationships. At this point in my life, and although I am young I’m honestly not even that young, (like I’m 17 years old and 100 years ago women who were my age would have already been married and with kids) it is seriously impossible to see me being able to harvest romantic love realistically. There is one person whom I am absolutely in love with but realistically, that romance will never flourish and it is so far out that I know that it will never develop into anything, ever, not in any parallel universe or any alternate reality and I’m fine with that. So it leaves me with a frustrating feeling that I’m missing out on something, but only when it is brought up to me and only when someone questions me about my romantic life. Outside of my interaction with other people regarding romantic life, I never feel like I’m really missing out on anything and although I really want to reproduce and have a daughter, I honestly have no intention, being able to foresee my life right now from the viewpoint of my 17 year old self, of marrying or having a lifelong partner. I simply want to find someone with good genetics, so someone who is intelligent, kind, and physically attractive, have sex with them, and be able to have and love a child. I honestly have no idea what that makes me, especially as someone who is not inexperienced romantically. 

  • this week was alright. I did well on all of the tests that I had to take and I have high A’s in all of my classes (except for gov which I have like an 80 in haha because I forgot to bring in my prep book one day and got like 20/25 when I brought it in the next day and plus we have a quiz/test on wednesday or something and I’m probably going to fail but whatever I heard he gives lots of extra credit so I should be fine but I’m worried) 
  • Thursday night I slept over at Tong Xiao’s house. 
  • I’m in love with my new room like it’s just made everything so much easier for me, in a way that I can’t even really explain. There are still a few things I need to get out, and things I need to organize and put away but it’s basically perfect. 
  • I’m trying to upload all of my film from Australia and clean out my laptop because it has like no storage whatsoever and I also need to find my external hard drive because I have no idea where it is and it’s kind of important and I definitely need to learn how to use it. Life is going really well for me rn :) I just feel organized and clean and happyyyyy and I’m learning new things and my friends are great and I feel secure and relatively productive (except for not today bc I didn’t really do much just watched like 3 and a half documentaries) 
  • Tomorrow is my last day at Chipotle
  • I need to study for the SAT

I posted a really long post about the symbolism of my redoing my room and reorganizing it and everything and my life whatever etc. but I guess it didn’t post and that kind of upsets me but whatever. life.

today was actually really sucky despite my new room, because of certain things but like, it’s whatever I mean everything will turn out okay. I am lowkey extremely nervous for my quarter grades. AP stats might be alright if I work my ass off which I probably will. AP Lit will be alright if I don’t bomb the first test and if I do I will spend the rest of the quarter trying to bring it up. AP art history I’m not worried about. I love the class and even though the material is very intuitive I think I’ll enjoy studying for it. I’m fucking petrified of AP gov however because I’m literally an idiot and it’s extremely structured around how governments are ideally supposed to work rather than current events in the government which is what I hoped it would be because I find that so much more interesting but whatever. I lost my ap gov prep book bc someone stole it and so I got a 10/25 for my first grade for participation hahahah so that sucks but I hear he gives extra credit so whatever. Of course someone would steal it the day that he does the book check and not the day that he SAID he was going to do the book check (last thursday when I had my actual book haha fuck everything) but whatever. I need to finish flvs asap. A rough draft of my college essay is due this Friday. I need to get my recommendation letter resumes or whatever drafted to give to Mrs. Stout and Professor Cecere. And I have to study for the SAT. haha I hate everything right now today was such a bad day

ok so things kind of changed really quickly at my job. I thought I wasn’t going to have to resign or quit because they were going to give me an extended leave of absence, but this morning at the crew meeting, Sean (different manager from Andrew and Chris, whom I both honestly adore, especially Andrew) was like “we’re gonna have to have you working 23 hours next week and then like two nights a week during your leave of absence” and after the meeting I went home and I was like “that’s not a fricking leave of absence he’s still making me work” 

and basically that combined with me being stressed about school, wanting to play piano more, and trying my hardest to learn a new languages kind of forced me to have to quit. which honestly sucks bc I won’t be making any more money and I won’t see my Chipotle friends as much, but I’m also kind of relieved bc it means less commitment, more time to study, more sleeping in on weekends, and less coming home exhausted and with my body literally aching from 8 hours shifts on my feet all day. I’ll go into more detail tomorrow maybe but I’m literally falling asleep right now (?????physically exhausted from my shift today) so yeah gnight 굿나잇

Mrs. Bryan and I got into a heated discussion about my responsibilities for school this year and came to the realization that I may have to quit my job. I feel weak and defeated but ultimately getting into college is going to my golden ticket to my life and what I want to do and what I want to accomplish, so it must come first. It just sucks because I love working at Chipotle but I wouldn’t give up the time to spend working on my college application/essay and stuff just to work there. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel defeated. 

daaaaaaaaaaamn so my sister, James and I were outside smoking a cigar kinda (like they were mostly smoking it but I started smoking too to take pictures because it was a cool photography subject) and my mom came out and found us in the barn which I guess was really stupid bc something could have caught fire and burned it down, and so my mom took away our phones and (Katharine was smoking weed and James was drunk, but i wasn’t intoxicated since I don’t do drugs or anything anymore) and my mom got really upset and said that she was gonna tell dad that katharine was smoking weed so now Katharine and I are really afraid he’s gonna stop like, funding her college education because he is going to flip an absolute shit, like he thinks she hasn’t smoked weed since the end of her senior year in high school so like, she’s basically freaking out and so idk what we’re gonna do ugh ugh ugh :( :( :( 

One of my managers, Andrew, is like hands down one of the coolest people I’ve ever met and tbh he makes me life so easy regarding work because I always get really stressed when I can’t find people to cover for me (it’s almost always when I’m sick) and one time he told me that he wished he had 10 of me and he’s just so much fun to work with and I just adore him like he’s uuughghasdfghjkl; he’s amazing


"Have you already forgotten what you swore to do? To change the way the nation’s affairs are managed? Are these your so-called politics? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten? Let all things and all people return to their rightful position. Rid those who are not qualified for their current position, and return it to those who are. That is the task of the future king, and the path you should follow. Have you already forgotten it?!"