Catherine Zeng is one of the only people who actually acts like she gives a shit about me and actually starts conversations with me and whatnot and actually makes me feel appreciated and I love her so much

I am so frustrated right now and I’ll go into more detail later about this bc I’m on my phone now and don’t feel like typing a shitload of stuff but literally I love Toby but what the fuck is wrong with him like why doesn’t he give enough of a shit about marshal to check up on him and make sure he’s doing his fucking work? Like mom isn’t his real mom, and I’m not his real sister, she is his stepmom and I am his stepsister and he has two parents who are alive and who financially support him so why the fuck are my mom and I doing everything to salvage this boy’s grades in school right now? Why the fuck is Toby not giving a shit about what happens to marshal? I am honestly so frustrated, so fucking upset right now I am literally about to cry and I’m so frustrated like I love marshal and would do anything for him but I’m a fucking student too and I’m fucking applying to college and I busted my ass last year and got perfect grades and when I got a B on a test or when I didn’t make it into Spanish honors society because I got an 88 on the final exam when I had to have an A for both quarters and the exam in order to make it into that society, my parents got on my fucking case and let me know that they were disappointed in me and I was too so I studied my ass off for my classes and I had panic attacks every single day because I was scared for my future. I actually got shit done, failure is not an option for me, it never has been and it never will be, so why is it that marshal is doing horribly in his two AP classes this year and nothing is being done before my mom and I have to intercept? What is the fucking deal with Toby? Laurie is a horrible mother and she is literally an evil bitch and that is why Toby needs to be 10000X better as a parent and set a sky high standard for marshal because he is on the same exact fucking path as his brother. I am so frustrated right now and honestly I’m really emotional and I’m cursing way more than I usually try to and I need to talk to someone like I’m literally about to cry. If this is the way this year is going to continue to be, I’m not going to put up with it.

Sex is so fleeting. Something about lust and sole sexual attraction to people angers me so much. How can you feel something without love, without depth of understanding. How can you lie to yourself and pretend you feel anything but shallow, shallow lust and absolutely nothing else. How

So when I texted my dad about the Republicans blocking the equal pay for equal work bill for women, he sent me this backhanded response like he was lowkey supporting the government not having to regulate people’s (women’s) salaries and I just can’t. Like the fact that he might even look me in the eye and say that to his own daughter, THAT is what hurts me more than anything because he would rather say that than admit that the party he identifies with is blatantly sexist

From yesterday’s reflections ((((personal))))

I must admit something. I used to believe that my peace could not exist without hyper awareness. Yet I find myself in an absolute state of hyper awareness, but in no way at peace. Or am I? No, I am restless. My state is completely dependent on my surroundings? Is it a fact? I have no substance. I am empty. My absolute self is hard to ignore. I know that I have tried to suppress and erase my negativity. Anger, sadness, frustration and desperation all exist minimally in the realm where I want to be. What a life. How can one truly live a life such that they feel no hatred? Self hatred, the concepts are old and clichéd. My reality is real. I am not someone who seeks alternate and complicated nonexistent realities.

I understand. I have unerringly understood. They are the very feelings of nostalgia that I based all of my intellectual understandings on. That is what I am missing.

My emotions must return to me. The summer is almost over.

I am overwhelmed. I understand now. I figured it out; (I’ve never felt this way before).
It is incredible: in the prime of my seventeenth year of life I feel I have figured out everything in my universe. No, it is more complex than just aesthetic and beauty. It is control, sensory emotion. Is it raw emotion? I have no idea. I have never felt it. How would I know?

All of the images are coming back now. They will stay with me forever, and no one will ever understand.

I have so!many!emotions! right now and I keep thinking that I need to shut everyone out and write, do college apps, study, etc. but I don’t want to shut my friends out, because I have so few friends anyway. This is such a stupid post. I can’t focus right now