Mrs. Bryan and I got into a heated discussion about my responsibilities for school this year and came to the realization that I may have to quit my job. I feel weak and defeated but ultimately getting into college is going to my golden ticket to my life and what I want to do and what I want to accomplish, so it must come first. It just sucks because I love working at Chipotle but I wouldn’t give up the time to spend working on my college application/essay and stuff just to work there. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel defeated. 

daaaaaaaaaaamn so my sister, James and I were outside smoking a cigar kinda (like they were mostly smoking it but I started smoking too to take pictures because it was a cool photography subject) and my mom came out and found us in the barn which I guess was really stupid bc something could have caught fire and burned it down, and so my mom took away our phones and (Katharine was smoking weed and James was drunk, but i wasn’t intoxicated since I don’t do drugs or anything anymore) and my mom got really upset and said that she was gonna tell dad that katharine was smoking weed so now Katharine and I are really afraid he’s gonna stop like, funding her college education because he is going to flip an absolute shit, like he thinks she hasn’t smoked weed since the end of her senior year in high school so like, she’s basically freaking out and so idk what we’re gonna do ugh ugh ugh :( :( :( 

One of my managers, Andrew, is like hands down one of the coolest people I’ve ever met and tbh he makes me life so easy regarding work because I always get really stressed when I can’t find people to cover for me (it’s almost always when I’m sick) and one time he told me that he wished he had 10 of me and he’s just so much fun to work with and I just adore him like he’s uuughghasdfghjkl; he’s amazing


"Have you already forgotten what you swore to do? To change the way the nation’s affairs are managed? Are these your so-called politics? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten? Let all things and all people return to their rightful position. Rid those who are not qualified for their current position, and return it to those who are. That is the task of the future king, and the path you should follow. Have you already forgotten it?!"

Haereul Pum-eun Dal (해를 품은 달)

Also…something about the Korean drama that I watched imprinted in my heart. Honestly it was an amazing series and I feel helped elevate me to a different level of superego and separated me from the plot of reality, momentarily, (for about three or four days) and forced me to connect with a character that exists in my subconscious that otherwise, I don’t think I would have faced or connected with. Like I know it sounds stupid but it wasn’t just an entertaining show for me or a silly foreign drama. It served a purpose

I got someone to cover my shift for work tomorrow but I can’t sleep and I still feel awful (I have a sinus infection)

I realized, more in depth, that upon returning to my normal routine of living with family, going to work, and soon returning to school, I will have to once again disconnect from a lot of my friends and most of my family, emotionally, in order to be in control and to be at peace, achieve my spiritual and psychological goals, succeed academically though I can do that without disconnecting myself from people. When my sister leaves for college things will become different and I will turn to myself for advice, consolation, emotional analysis etc. using this blog and my diary and books. right now my top priority is getting everything done I need to get done to apply to NYU and have an application that makes me look really good. that does include studying for the SAT and finishing FLVS as well as performing well during my first quarter and writing a great college essay. 

spiritually, my goals are of course very different. My spiritual goals are definitely connected to my physical state of being, for ex. the tidiness of the area in which I work or meditate or whatever, my health, even my academic success which I consider to be a physical state, sleep, etc. 

As I begin a new school year I want my end goal to be this: to have complete control over myself, my predicament, my emotions, my success, my art, and my spirit










Kiki Smith - Lilith, 1994 - Bronze, silicon, and glass.

“In medieval Jewish lore, Lilith was Adam’s first wife.  When she demanded to be Adam’s equal, she was evicted from the Garden of Eden.  Lilith flew away to the demon world, replaced by the more submissive Eve.  Smith catches us off guard with Lilith’s pose and placement.  Most sculptures receive our gaze passively, but Lilith stares back with piercing brown eyes, ready to pounce.”

hella dope


my mother told me this story over and over when I was little

"Always be Lilith, never Eve"

"Always be Lilith, never Eve"

Ever since reading about her story when I was younger, I never sought to be Eve again.

Lilith is the one men fear. Because Lilith knows she does not need men to validate her existence.

THIS SCULPTURE IS AWESOME, THE LILITH STORY IN GENERAL IS AWESOME, but, uh, I would feel remiss if I did not take the time to point this out: the story of Eve is not one where a woman chooses to be subservient to a man. Like. At all.

Here, in brief, is the story of Eve: God creates heaven and earth, blah blah, animals, trees, blah blah, man in God’s image blah, Adam blah blah, don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge blahhhhhhhh. Then one day Adam is all, “Hey God, I finished naming all the animals and plants and everything weeks ago, I’m bored as shit down here — see, shit, that’s a word I made up for the stuff that comes out of butts, I’m bored enough down here to name the butt stuff.” So God’s like, “Ugh, whatever, I’ll make you a friend out of something, you’re not using all your ribs, are you?” and creates Eve. And Eve and Adam? Yeah, the text doesn’t label them anything but equals during their time in the garden. Literally 100% of the description of their relationship, at the beginning, is:

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (GENESIS 2.23) 

Now, I grant you, it’s not the most ideal situation I’ve ever heard described, feminism-wise, but like. They are both naked, and neither is ashamed. There is no suggestion here that Eve was originally created to be subservient to Adam. Which will be important. In a second. 

SO right back to the story, Adam and Eve hang out in the garden for awhile and this serpent is all, “Hey Eve, how about some fruit,” and Eve is like, “Sure, what kind of fruit you want, it’s the Garden of Eden, we’ve got literally every kind of fruit there is,” and the serpent is all, “You know that one fruit on that one tree that is the only thing in the entire garden we’re not supposed to eat,” and Eve is like, “Balls.”

And then the serpent comes at her with like, moral relativism and liberal arts college theology major shit, all, “But why would God put the tree there with a big sign on it that said NOT THIS TREE DEFINITELY DON’T EAT THE STUFF ON THIS TREE THIS TREE RIGHT HERE SEE THIS IT IS THE FORBIDDEN TREE DON’T YOU EAT OF IT if he didn’t, secretly, totally want us to eat of it?” (Real talk: I am with him on this one.) So, whatever, okay, you all know this part of the story, Eve eats some fruit, and it’s the Tree of Knowledge so she gets all this knowledge about good & evil & everything, and then she convinces Adam to eat some fruit and get some knowledge too. And then God notices them like, hiding behind fig leaves and giggling about how they both have genitals (the Tree of Maturity it is not), and gets real pissed and kicks them out, the end. 

EXCEPT. The reason I am bothering to type this out (not to mention google biblical excerpts like I’m 13 and studying for my Bat Mitzvah again) is that. As punishment? For eating of the Tree of Knowledge, and convincing Adam to do so also? God curses Eve with the pain of childbirth, and with being subservient to Adam. I mean, literally, this is what it says: 

To the woman [God] said, “I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you.” (GENESIS 3.16) 

EVE BEING SUBSERVIENT TO ADAM. IS A PUNISHMENT. IN THE BIBLE. IT IS A PUNISHMENT FOR GOING AGAINST THE WILL OF GOD. If you’ve ever heard of the concept of “original sin,” this is what that’s referring to (er, and it’s also a hard cider but the cider is named after the concept, not the other way around, although presumably in the Garden of Eden with all its wonders it would’ve been possible to get hard cider, so don’t quote me on this). And the concept of original sin is an entirely separate discussion because it’s ridiculous repressive sexist bullshit a complex topic in theological discussion that I am frankly unqualified to speak on, and also because one time Phillip Pullman wrote this entire series of books that was kind of about it and frankly as a result any conversation I try to have on the topic devolves rapidly into a discussion of what kind of daemon everyone would have (mine would be a barred owl).  

So, look: I am so here for this sculpture, I am so here for the telling of the story of Lilith, I am so here for encouraging young women to know that they do not need men to validate their existence. I am so. Here. For. That. But I am hesitant at the phrasing, “Always be Lilith, never Eve.” I am hesitant about breaking this story down to the idea that Lilith was inherently resistant and Eve was inherently submissive and that thus Lilith was inherently better, both because it’s canonically not true (again: tricked into tasting the fruit initially or not, Eve gave Adam his helping of her own will, Eve was punished for defying the word of God), and because I think that plays into the garbage idea that there is a correct way to be female, not to mention the garbage idea that women are constantly in competition with one another. 

I just. This is a story that has had unimaginable impact on history and culture and women and how society thinks about women. This is a story that has been used to demonize women for centuries. Whether you believe in it or not (and I’ll confess freely that, despite identifying strongly as Jewish, I mostly don’t), you can’t argue that it hasn’t been majorly impactful, because it has been majorly impactful. And while I love the sculpture, and the spirit in which I know this discussion about it is intended, it breaks my fucking heart to see us championing Lilith by (further) demonizing Eve. Eve, whose name means life, whose role in this tale is to be mother of all of humanity and who is seen, more often than not, as the punishment granted to her against her will for a choice she made. Which, incidentally — that’s something I’ve always found pretty telling. Something worth thinking about, you know what I mean? 

Both, that’s my point. Both is good. At very least, one without disparaging the other. 

Read this whole thing.